A Reader’s Twist on Illegal Immigration

Friends, I enjoy writing these weekly columns, and I especially enjoy the mounting response I’ve been getting, mostly positive. I even appreciate the negative ones and disagreements as well — as long as they’re civil.

As I was preparing this week’s column, I read this from my own e-mails. And it’s so good, I just want to share it with you. Naturally, I don’t have all the e-mail addresses of my readers, and this is the best way to see that you get a look at this one. I certainly couldn’t have written it better myself.

So, with thanks to A.R. Hardy, the name to which the following has been attributed:

Dear Mr. President:

I’m planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We’re planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas, and laws. I’m sure you handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I’m on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flagpoles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but, I don’t plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put U.S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I’ll need income tax credits so although I don’t pay Mexican taxes, I’ll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh, yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me into the Mexican Social Security program so that I’ll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You the man!

Thanks, Mr. Hardy, wherever you are.